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“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.” ―  wrote Leo Tolstoy and he was right. Happiness is boring!

If you are happily engaged in a relationship right now (especially if you are in this blissful situation for long time) you probably have already realized that happiness is very monotonous.

Let’s pretend that I am a psychic and I sense that it is kind of disturbing for you, but in fact there are no clouds in the horizon of your love life. Nevertheless you think about one of your exes with whom you have had passionate relationship in the past. In that relationship your heart used to explode every time he/she came near you, sex was exciting and now you often ask yourself why your current relationship is so great but it is nothing like that one.

Your blue-sky relationship is not like that exciting one and it will never be because what you used to have before was not happiness.

To continue with the fortunetelling, you never knew if that person actually loved you, and you longed for his/her attention so badly. Every time when received his/her call you were trembling and your stomach shrunk. In the end it didn’t grow into a serious relationship.

The reaction of your body when you saw or thought about this person was ordinary physiological reaction that was due to an adrenaline rush related to the fear of rejection. Maybe you just never realized that precisely this fear was making you feel so aroused when he/she was around.

Excitement, arousal, adrenaline rush, willingness to jump out of bed at 3 a.m., just to meet someone who rarely calls you … this is the reaction of your body when it is endangered. Maybe you even have had nice moments together. And yet I suppose that those moments were short (usually before or after big fight or abandonment).

Actually the feelings that you used to associate with happiness were not stronger than the feelings you have now towards your current partner, just the contrast between the ups and lows in your former relationship was so extreme that what you associate it with love.  On the other hand, adrenaline rush and fear of rejection fuel the libido which then resulted in passionate sex, even though you don’t recall anything so special about it.

Why and how this character enchanted you so much and drove you to the edge of insanity, I cannot speculate on. Months or years of therapy could pass before you yourself realize the unconscious links that set him/her on that powerful place in your mind. If I knew an easy way to get rid of such feelings, I would be a millionaire by now. The important thing is that we should learn from our mistakes and we should know when to give up. The whole essence of some relationships is to shake your world making you feel unloved and rejected. You will never find happiness in this dynamic, no matter how hard you try.

Happiness hides in the monotonous security that there is a man/woman who you can trust; there is someone who needs you just as much as you need him/her; that in the foreseeable future you will be coping with the difficulties together; that you bring the best of each other; that you will have sex whenever you want to (and not just when some person decides to call you). When you have all those necessities met there is no wonder that your life seems boring.

On the other hand your happy relationship does not restrict your possibilities to be excited. It will be your pillar when you challenge yourself in your professional life, it can be your companion when you take up new adventures (sometimes even sexual ones). Security doesn’t have to kill your passion, especially if you don’t let it. Experiment together! Your relationship can be source of excitement, but if it is true it won’t throw you into the blasé of doubt just to take you out and throw you back again. This can’t be healthy!

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