How Can I Desire What I Already Have?

Have you ever experienced a much higher sexual arousal when you have been away from your partner for a while? Of course you have. The reencounter after some time spent apart is one of the greatest and also most common turn-ons.


It is the desire for reconnection, for discovering the other and the feeling that somehow you are about to conquer your long term partner, no matter that for a long time you have considered her/ him “yours”.

Our psychology is simple. We can’t desire what we already have. We can love it and cherish it but we can’t feel the thrill of the unknown when we already have someone. Long term relationships have thousands of great aspects but the surprise is rarely one of them. Then how can we keep on desiring each other?

The cool thing is that we can trick our brains in order to see our partner with new eyes. Short term separation might be one of them but I wouldn’t recommend it unless it is demanded by some external causes such as work for instance.

There are other great ways to see your beloved one as a new exciting discovery. You can all try them at least once a week they are simple but I promise they work. You can observe your partners doing something which they are very passionate about. It could be their hobby, their job, creating art or just hanging around the house doing something they particularly like.

Don’t interrupt them, don’t enter their world and don’t engage them with your neediness. Just observe! Be careful with the details, study every move, every sudden mood the elegance of doing something they are really great at or the sweet clumsiness of doing something they really suck at but enjoy quite a lot doing it anyway.

Observe your partners when they are engaged in social interaction with other people. When you are with friends or at a party you probably stay side by side with your beloved ones. This is good but sometimes you should just let them go have fun with the other people. Then, again, without interrupting, from a safe distance take a look at them. Try not to seem like a stalker though.

Do you love what you see? I surely hope so! Looking at your partner as he/she was a stranger who you want to go to bed with tonight will affect your desire.

Have fun and drive safely on the way home.

More on this topic, you can see in Esther Parel’s TED Talk.

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