Take a Hint… Or Don’t

2 minute read   BG   ESP

In a conversation with a client I heard myself telling “He is a man, he won’t take a hint, just tell it directly!”

Then I thought “What a sexist cliché! This is empty of any new information, I have to elaborate!”

The truth is that nobody ever takes most of the hints. It is wrong to think that they are necessary and we should stop abusing them. Of course the rare situations in which you may prefer to use subtext. For instance if your spouse puts on clothes you hate, it is not necessary to tell it directly. You can say “I like the other outfit better” while you secretly contemplate attacking this one with scissors one dark night while your spouse is sound asleep.

But let’s use hints only for casual everyday sensitive topics, ok? The important information has to be pronounced clearly and as directly as possible. Is it easy? Of course it is not. Is it necessary? Hell yes!!!

Sometimes we can’t be direct because we are unsure of what we think or want. It is ok to express some doubt but covering it even more with additional nonsense will definitely help right?!

I know it is hard. I have been there plenty of times myself. I have desired to find myself in a relationship with someone who clearly didn’t want the same. Nevertheless I dropped hint after hint hoping that he will one day be at the same page, instead of having the difficult conversation, let myself be vulnerable and face the truth. I have lost precious time waiting for a partner to realize that it is over and leave first our broken relationship setting me free from the responsibility to man up and be the bad guy for once so we can both move on. I have even ghosted once… I am not proud of it!

What I mean is that we all fantasize that the others will just guess our thoughts and desires and will act accordingly, but this is impossible because everyone, man or woman equally sucks at guessing the desires of the others if they are not expressed appropriately.

And this is totally normal, because we tend to fill the gabs in the communication with our own desires and fantasies.

Indeed, complete clarity is not achievable, but let’s take a minute every day to think and if we see that there has been an important message which has been obviously miscommunicated… Well spit it up for fuck sake!

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One comment

  1. Vibeke says:

    This is such a great topic! I’ve finally learnt that hints don’t work (I used to avoid initiating any kind of unpleasant conversation), and that straight honesty is a bit too much sometimes (overcompensating for all those years being quiet :). Learning to use assertive communication has done wonders in some situation, though.

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