The Monogamy Paradox


This article is really more about my personal opinion and much less about any of the psychological theories that I have been studying. After all, on the question monogamy or polygamy everyone decides for oneself. For instance I have been wondering all my life.

monogamy love emotions

Let’s face it – life is not a fairy tale. Not everything happens according to the best case scenario. It is just impossible. There will be a lot of losses, disappointment and regret, the important thing is to go ahead somehow.

Today I was discussing the monogamy with a friend and I realized something. Something so simple, that not many people notice though. Monogamy actually brings more risk and uncertainties and much less stability than it is expected to bring in one’s life.

Let’s see monogamy as an investment disregarding passion, emotions and morals.

The monogamy principle is simple. A meets B, they like each other, they feel attraction, they notice that they might have some hypothetical future together and they stop dating other potential partners. This is an amazing moment in the evolution of their relationship and a curious step itself, considering that it is still very early for any serious plans. Nevertheless at some point it becomes unacceptable either A or B to be looking for another possible partner, or worse – to maintain parallel relationship.

But where do you draw the line? After the first kiss, the first sexual encounter or the first satisfying sexual encounter?

It is important to take into consideration that this is the exact moment when the investment commences. What I am talking about is a continuous investment of feelings, emotions, dreams and hopes for a happy future together. And you might lose it all.

The polygamy on the other hand is more secure investment. You don’t risk losing all your investments at the same time and even if you lose one or two there will be another one who will be suitable for a partner or at least will satisfy your current needs before you find someone better. Besides, when you have several parallel relationships you might expect different things from each partner. If you are smart you will take from each one just the things that he/she is willing and capable to give and nothing more. You won’t have to be too pushy and ask for more.

I must confess that in my days I have tested both strategies and I strongly believe that the monogamy brings much more pain, uncertainty and anxiety. Giving all your heart to a certain person is scary to say the least. The fear of losing someone speeds you heartbeat, makes your hands sweat, makes you act in a strange ways, makes you jealous and possessive. These emotions might even cause the end of your relationship. Keeping the fragile balance of power in your relationship becomes more and more difficult the more serious it gets and eventually you might probably feel less confident and week and it will be painful.

This is the monogamy paradox. People seek stable partner in order to feel more confident, strong and secure, but this is an illusion. Relationships can’t make you feel more secure.

What about my advice?

Well I just can’t say which one is better. The song I am listening to right now says it better “Listen to your heart”. If you are ready for this risk – take it, I swear it is worth it!

Take a look at the person who has been next to you for an year or two or ten, dream about him/her if there is no one, and remember that being with this person is (or will be) the biggest risk you have taken in your life. Think about it. Just remember that you shouldn’t expect it to be easy, and this is what makes it even more exciting.


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